


A Conversation

by DPPatricks



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 05:25:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16717317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DPPatricks/pseuds/DPPatricks
Summary: Starsky and Hutch have just become lovers and Starsky is having very deep, worrying thoughts.





	A Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Another of my three a.m. muse attacks. First published in the 2016 SHareCon ‘zine.

“Starsk?’

“Hmmm?”

“Come back to bed.”

“Not right now.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’.”

“Look at me, babe.”

“I can’t.”

“What have I done?”

“Nothin’, Hutch! Really. It’s just that… I’d get lost in your eyes. I always do.”

“The way I get lost in yours.”

“Maybe. But that’s why I can’t. I’m tryin’ to think.”

“Since when can’t you think and look at me at the same time?”

“Tonight, I guess.”

“Since we became lovers.”

“Yeah… that.”

“Okay. Then talk to me from over there.”

“I don’t know what to say. I’d get all tongue tied.”

“Put one word after the other. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m scared, Hutch.”

“Of what?”

“Of how much I love you.”

“Why should that scare you?”

“Because I thought I was in love before. With Helen. Then Terry. And Rosie. Even Kira. I thought I was in love with each of them.”

“You were.”

“How can you _say_ that?”

“Ah, there they are, those incredibly deep indigo eyes I adore.”

“You do?”

“‘Course I do, dummy. Even from all the way across the room, they knock me out! It’s the first thing I noticed about you, that day at the academy. Your amazing eyes.”

“Yours do the same thing to me, Hutch. It’s why I can’t look at you and think at the same time.”

“Well, you’re looking at me now. And you’re still thinking. So stay there, if distance helps, and tell me what you’re afraid of.”

“That I love you too much. That I didn’t love them enough.”

“Not possible.”

“The way I feel about you ain’t nothin’ like what I felt for them.”

“No, it probably isn’t.”

“But don’t you think I sorta...?”

“You didn’t cheat them, Starsk. You didn’t short change any of them.”

“I didn’t?”

“No, babe. You have the most honest, caring, loving heart I’ve ever known.”

“I --”

“Let me finish, please.”

“Okay.”

“You loved each of them just as deeply as they allowed you to. And as much as you could.”

“Right now I don’t feel like I did.”

“You would have had to, partner. You can’t love any other way.”

“Maybe.”

“Trust me. I watched you with all of them. You gave everything you could.”

“Then why don’t I feel any better about myself than I do?”

“Because you’re your own worst enemy.”

“Look who’s talking, Blondie. You’re the Guilt King sometimes.”

“Got me there, Starsk. I think I perfected it at an early age.”

“I’m sorry, Hutch. I didn’t mean to bring up….”

“It’s okay. We were talking about you though, remember? If Terry hadn’t died, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“That’s what I think, too.”

“There, you see? You _can_ look at me and think at the same time.”

“Now, you’re laughing at me.”

“No, I’m not. I’d never laugh at you about something like this. I kid you and tease you and pull your leg sometimes. Probably more than I should. And I promise, I’m going to stop doing it.”

“Don’t, Hutch. I wouldn’t know how to react if you changed that part of yourself.”

“Okay… I think.”

“But if you weren’t laughing at me, what did you mean?”

“That you were right, of course. You would have married Terry.”

“And what about us?”

“We might still be partners.”

“Might?”

“Yeah. Maybe not though. I don’t know, Starsk. Seeing you with someone else, anyone else, would have been difficult. I think I’d have tried to stay around, but I’m not sure. Maybe I’d have taken the Lieutenant’s exam and gone to another precinct.”

“We’d have still seen each other, though. Right?”

“Sure.”

“Wouldn’t have been the same.”

“No.”

“I’d have been partnered with someone else.”

“Yes.”

“And hated every minute of it.”

“Possibly.”

“But Terry died.”

“Yes.”

“Well, what about Rosie? And Kira?”

“You loved Rosie Malone as much as she let you. And you were afraid for her, if she stayed with her father.”

“That sounds right.”

“And, I don’t care what you said at the time, you didn’t really love Kira.”

“Two timing bitch.”

“What was that? I didn’t hear what you said.”

“Yeah, you did. You just want to hear me say it again. So I will. Kira was a two timing bitch and I’m beginning to think she meant to break us up right from the start. We were a game to her. Nothing else. She slept with both of us. Didn’t really love either one of us, had fun pitting us against each other.”

“You could be right.”

“But, the point is, Hutch, I _thought_ I was in love with her. I thought I was in love with all of them.”

“And now you’re scared that, if you love _me_ , you’ll lose me. Just like you lost each of them.”

“Something like that. Yeah.”

“Won’t happen, Starsk.”

“You don’t know that. I died!”

“But you came back.”

“I came back… because you wouldn’t let me go.”

“I knew I couldn’t live without you.”

“I think that’s when I realized not only that you loved me, but that I loved you, too. You wouldn’t let me go and I couldn’t leave you.”

“So here we are, babe. We love each other and we will for the rest of our lives.”

“But how do you _know_ , Hutch? How can you be so sure? My love ain’t been so permanent up ‘til now.”

“I know you, Starsky. I look in your intense, deep blue eyes and see a love that’s so different from what you felt for your ladies, it’s not even in the same dictionary.”

“It’s not?”

“No, Starsk, it’s not.”

“What about Gillian? You loved her.”

“I did, yes.”

“Different dictionary?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“If she hadn’t died, do you think we’d be having this conversation?”

“That’s a tough one, partner. There was so much going on with Gillian, so much we couldn’t have controlled.”

“She might have ruined your career.”

“Conceivably.”

“We’ve been through a lot together haven’t we?”

“What we feel for each other is more than that but, yeah, everything we’ve been through is part of it.”

“What else?”

“Commitment. Dedication. Loyalty. Understanding. Passion…”

“We got that, all right.”

“I can see your smirk from here, Starsk.”

“Wanna see it closer?”

“You know I do. Please come back to bed. You can keep your eyes closed if you want to, but I need to hold you. And try to convince you not to be afraid.”

“Okay. But I’m not closing my eyes. I want to look at you, too. I really do love your baby blues, Baby Blue.”

******* 

“You okay now?”

“Much better.”

“Good.”

“So tell me, Detective know-me-so-well Hutchinson, why I shouldn’t be scared of how much I love you?”

“Because it’s exactly how much I love you back.”

“Balance? Friends? Partners? Equals? Our own dictionary?”

“Precisely.”

“And that makes it okay?”

“It makes it more than okay, Starsk. It makes it perfect.”

“Yeah. It feels kinda like… perfect.”

**********

Please explain to me  
How I could think I loved them  
When you are my life

END


End file.
